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I met my girlfriend when I was 45 and my wife was not surprised by my need to rejuvenate sexually and though it is not a cosy threesome, there is a mature
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The subject line says most of it, but let me give you some
background...
About a month ago, me and a long time friend, Jane, started dating.
I'd been pursuing her off and on for years, with mixed results, and
she finally made up her mind. We're college students. Jane's parents
are first generation immigrants who basically taught her, "Never drink
alcohol. Don't date until you're 25 and ready to get married. All
forms of sexuality are sinful." She came to college believing all of
it. Then, half way through freshman year, she suddenly switched from
being a non-drinker to a heavy drinker, but kept it secret from her
parents. The same sort of thing happened with us dating: She's very
affectionate when it's just us and a few close friends, but I'm not
allowed to hold her hand in public for fear that her parents might
find out she's dating. Similarly, with sexuality, she’s been slowly
becoming more comfortable with it, but she has a lot a issues with
feeling guilty about it.
Anyway, one of her close female friends is bisexual, and another (who
I'll call Sally) claims to be "curious". Now Jane has decided that she
herself may also be bisexual. (She's been hinting at it off and on for
years.) In one conversation a week ago, we "joked" about having a
threesome with Sally. Last night she started had a "hypothetical"
conversation about whether it would be a good idea for a couple to
have a threesome with another woman. I suggested that it might work
best if they found someone who neither of them knew, to avoid jealousy
issues. That seemed ok with her. Later on, she wanted to know if,
hypothetically, it would be cheating for a woman (while in a
relationship with a man) to "make out" with another woman. (My
response - YES, IT WOULD)
So my dilemma is, as a male, this whole threesome thing is very
tempting, but it seems very risky. I get along well with Sally, and
she's attractive, so it'd be fun to kiss her, but she's mainly friends
with Jane, and I'm afraid that it might turn into Jane cheating on me.
The alternative would be using some of Jane's other connections to
find someone who neither of us know very well. But that seems risky
too.
**My actual question** : So, I'm pretty sure the wise, intelligent
thing to do would be to turn down the whole threesome concept unless
Jane absolutely insists upon it, but I'm foolish and easily tempted,
so what I'd like is to get your opinion on what the probable
consequences would be of involving a third party in our relationship,
and, if we chose to, what the best way to go about it would be.
Hi Phish!
What a dilemma! I know more than a few men who would fall all over
themselves to have this "problem", and would be quick to tell you how
dumb you are for not just grabbing the idea and running with it. My
husband included.
They're idiots. Yes, my husband too. Him especially. ;)
You're absolutely right to be concerned!! A menage a trois is a
complicated thing - not just the "mechanics" of it, but the intimate
interaction of three human beings with all of the emotional baggage
and preconceptions that come with these creatures. Sure, a threesome
might *sound* terrific, and maybe the imagery is really sensual and
appealing, but are you really ready to bring a third into your
relationship, with all of the potential for emotional fallout that
entails?
Pull up a piece of cyberspace, and let's figure this out. I'm going
to tackle this from the personal perspective, and give you a list of
articles dealing with the subject at the end, OK? Good.
In any healthy relationship, it isn't what society wants, or what a
partner's parents want, or what *anyone* outside the couple wants that
matters. It's what the *two of you want* and are comfortable with. I
don't think I can stress this enough! Before you even *think* about
adding a third person to your relationship - *even if it's only once!*
- it's vitally important that the two of you are comfortable and
secure in *your own* relationship first. If the two of you don't have
a rock-solid bond and perfect trust, the results of bringing a third
party in can be devastating - jealousy, broken trust, suspicion,
anger, resentment, fear of sexually transmitted diseases, fear of
ultimate betrayal (one partner leaving the other for the third)...
Phish, I've looked at the information you've given, and I really think
that (right now) giving a threesome a shot is a bad idea. You have
other, bigger piscine life forms to fry first.
First, you and Jane need to discuss your relationship. You need to
have The Big Talk. You know the one - where you stand now, how you
feel about each other, where you think your relationship is headed,
where you *want* your relationship to go. You're obviously worried
that you're going to lose Jane, and Jane is clearly not comfortable
with your relationship yet.
What? You burn the sheets up just fine, so of course she's
comfortable? Uh-uh. She's not. I warned you I'd look at this from
personal perspective! I used to be a conservative Christian, and like
Jane, wouldn't hold my boyfriend's hand in public for fear it would
upset people (though in my case, it was fellow parishoners and God,
not my family, that I worried about). That was a long time ago - I'm
a liberal pagan now, but still remember what it was like to be afraid
to acknowledge a relationship publicly. It's *hard* and *scary* to
try break away from ingrained guilt and conservative values,
especially if you suspect that your sexuality might be considered
"alternative".
So talk. Talk the night away, talk until your lips fall off, then
talk some more. It's incredibly important that you're both on the
same page when it comes to what you want from your relationship.
You'll both need to come to terms with her possible bi-sexuality and
discuss how you're going to handle that, and lay ground rules for your
relationship. Are you worried that she'll eventually leave you for a
woman? It sounds like you are, so *talk* to her about it.
Next, be patient. Don't rush things. Take your time *together* and
explore what you *both* find pleasing. Let *Jane* bring up the topic
of a threesome, and don't push her. She may be all talk, just wanting
to express a fantasy - obviously one you have as well. Fantasizing
together is healthy and helps you both explore the sexual side of your
relationship. The more comfortable you both are, the more secure you
are in your relationship, the more likely you'll each be to want to
explore your fantasies together.
Keep in mind that most threesome fantasies never get past the
"hypothetical" phase. (Sorry!)
So what if Jane *does* insist on it? This is where things get tricky.
You say that if Jane makes out with another woman while she's involved
with you, that's "cheating". But if she makes out with another woman
while you're in the room, it's OK? Or do your expectations of a
threesome only include both women pleasuring you, but not each other?
Most men don't think about this aspect (hence the "I wish *I* had that
kind of dilemma!" reaction). But y'all should. A threesome isn't all
about the boy, it's all about *all three* of you! If you're looking
at it with the "WhooHoo! Me and two hot babes! YeeHa!" goggles on,
you might be in for a horribly rude and emotionally painful awakening
the morning after. If you think that they should cater only to you,
and not touch each other, drop this idea now. It doesn't work that
way, and you'll only have two angry women and a truckload of regret
when it's all done.
(Seriously. If you don't share well, Just Don't Go There.)
Likewise, if Jane isn't thoroughly pleased with the idea of you
kissing (among other things) another woman, is she going to be OK with
it as long as she's in the room? Or are her expectations of the
experience that you and Sally enjoy her, but not each other? (Again,
it's all about *all three* of you!)
And then there's Sally. What about Sally? What does *she* expect
from it? Is she going to be selfish and expect that you and Jane pay
attention only to her desires and not each other, or is she all about
sharing the love?
Truth be told, most humans are very sexually selfish. They want every
encounter to be all about them and their desires and *maybe* their
partner's desires. It doesn't take much to make someone feel insecure,
inadequate or unloved, and coping with these feelings is hard enough
in a twosome. Now think about how hard it is with three!
Are your feelings going to be hurt if Jane and Sally really dig each
other and abandon you for a few minutes to enjoy each other? Is Jane
going to be angry if she thinks that Sally is paying more attention to
you than to her? Are both girls going to want to go Lorena on you if
you decide that you don't want them to enjoy each other, but only
focus on you? What about STDs? Have you all been tested? What sort
of protection do you intend to use? And who's responsible for
purchasing the condoms, lube and dental dams?
Sounds tangled, doesn't it? It should. It is. If you both agree to
go ahead with this (after your own relationship is solid), you and
Jane need to sit down again and discuss ALL of this. In DETAIL. Once
you've got all of this straight between you, continue on:
-- How do you choose who to invite? Are you really going to be
comfortable with someone you don't really know? Ask yourself and
answer honestly - are you willing to let a stranger see you at your
most vulnerable? Most people aren't, so you should stick with someone
you not only both find attractive and desireable, but also someone you
both trust. Once you've decided, there is the small matter of finding
out if she's willing. Once you find her and plan the encounter (you
should allow time to get comfortable with each other), there's a whole
lot more talking to do:
-- Who is bringing what protection? Lube? Toys, if that's your
preference? If any of you does not want to use protection, Don't Go
There. Call it off. You owe it to yourselves to be safe.
-- What's going to happen? In detail. Who is going to touch whom
where and for how long? With what? And what's the third person doing
in the meantime? While you should definitely have some say in the
matter, it's important that you let the ladies work things out between
themselves as to what is acceptable and what isn't. Boundaries should
be absolutely understood and respected.
-- What if one of you changes your mind? What if you decide that you
don't want a threesome after all? Do you leave Jane and Sally alone
to finish? If Jane feels she's in over her head, does she leave you
and Sally alone? Or does everything stop, and you send Sally on her
way? If you walk away and leave Jane and Sally to their own devices,
are you going to be angry, jealous and resentful about it later? What
if Jane is the one who changes her mind? If things don't work out, is
Sally going to feel guilty?
-- What's going to happen after? Will you continue to include your
third, or is this a one time only thing? Is it OK for either of you
to...play...with your third when the other partner isn't present? Or
are you going to try to maintain a "just friends" relationship with
the third?
Trust me, if this can't be decided upon peacefully *before* the
clothes come off, it certainly won't happen peacefully *after* they
do, and *nobody* is going to be happy.
-- After your tryst, leave the ladies to talk it over together, alone.
Then you and Jane need to talk together, alone. Was it interesting?
Was it enjoyable? Would you like to repeat it? Don't put off
discussing it - you may find yourselves engaged in a screaming match
instead.
Ooh, this probably sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it? It *is* a
lot of work - you're dealing with the dynamic of a relationship, and
that dynamic being changed by a third person involved in your most
intimate interactions. Keeping all of the pieces in place is hard
work. If you both can handle the effect it will have on your
relationship, terrific! Have a wonderful time!
If either of you feels that you can't manage that, a threesome is not
for you:
"If you don't feel secure and/or sure, the best advice is: don't do
it."
Menage a troi
[ link omitted due to explicit content on the pages ]
Before you think any more about the subject, perhaps you should engage
in a bit of reading:
"Ask Dr. Tracy" 10/24/99 Advice Column
http://www.loveadvice.com/Columns/COL_2799.HTM
My Man Wants a Threesome
http://magazines.ivillage.com/cosmopolitan/experts/agony/qas/0,,413027_329789,00.html
Requestline
http://www.requestline.com/archive/nov98/cruz/botleft.html
Go Ask Alice: Menage a trois?
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/2184.html
Ask the Fat Broad: So You Say You Wanna Have Two Girlfriends?
http://www.scarletletters.com/current/atfb_threequest.shtml
Is Threesome Cheating?
http://www.ivillagehealth.com/experts/emotional/qas/0,,242102_1308,00.html
Are Threesomes Healthy
http://www.virtualvoyage.com/soapbox/client2/sep93.htm
he wants a threesome
http://www.askmen.com/love/drzimmer/58_love_answers.html
Good luck!
--Missy
You can find lots of information - some sources more explicit than
others - by searching on [ "menage a trois" advice ] and [ threesome
advice ] FilmLeaf - Rendez-vous With French Cinema 2007::
17 posts - Last post: Feb 21, 2007Is he up for a hot threesome, or just being friendly? Who knows? . How did Blondel die, his girlfriend wants to know later?
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